I'm Trying Very Hard To Be Here
by StalkerDex
Summary: Story told as a memory from Eric Cartman about his love affair with Kyle Broflovski. About the beginning, progression and what may be the end...we'll have to wait and see how it turns out ;)


I Am Trying Very Hard To Be Here

Chapter 01

Written By: StalkerDex

(Author's Note: it's been quite some time since I've written a Kyman story…so here it goes! This will largely be told in flashbacks from Eric's point of view, so hopefully it's not too confusing.)

The calming sound of rain danced calmly atop his roof, the darkness of the night cloaking him in it's safety. Every so often the threatening embrace of light would intrude from the persistent lightning. It had been a while since he'd seen a storm like this; it had been a while since he'd felt like this. The agonizing torture of his new life was clawing at his heart, unrelenting and unforgiving. How had he wound up here?

"Christ…" he growled as he put his elongated fingers to his aching temples. His entire body ached, the strongest pain pulsating in his ever-beating heart. The constant longing…no…pining he felt was intolerable. These days, life simply had no meaning to him. As the thought of his progressive uselessness invaded his conscience, the familiar feeling of nausea began to take over. He was nothing without Kyle; nothing at all.

…

One Year Earlier...

Graduation was said and done with, a bittersweet end to not only their unique childhood's, but an age old rivalry. It had felt surreal as he walked away, no one left to care for him. High school was over, his mother laid to rest just as his father had been, and not a soul in the world cared any longer. He felt wickedly horrid as he trudged along, unable to look back; incapable of addressing the end of his lovely, twisted, lustful and hate laced relationship with Kyle Broflovski. Why on Earth would he care now? He was going to California, off to make something of himself. He'd already been accepted to the university…what more use was Cartman to him? After all these years he'd considered themselves to be of equal consequence. These days it would seem Kyle had surpassed him, leaving him the fool. It both vexed him and overjoyed him. He was proud and self loathing all at once.

He did his best not to sigh, not to whimper, not to moan. He didn't want the world to see the immense pain he found himself in at the profound loss of someone he'd considered his other half. How could they understand? Not only was the way he felt deep and meaningful to him, but ludicrous to the rest of them. The facts were plain and simple; while he longed for the physical and intimate, Kyle Broflovski longed for the end. It was only fair that he should suffer. After all, up until now that had been Kyle's cross to bare.

He remembered the cold, biting air brushing up against his reddened face as he pulled his keys from his pocket, unlocking it as he prepared to load himself in and never return. He wasn't sure where he was going then, and he wasn't sure where he would've gone now had he not been interrupted. Thankfully, he never had to go down that path.

"Hey, Fat Ass!" his all-too-familiar voice commanded from behind.

He hadn't wanted to appear too eager, but couldn't help himself as he abruptly turned, meeting those emerald eyes of his. He was a vision. Still, he maintained that cool, uncaring attitude he always had. Appearance was of the utmost importance to him, despite how much he wished it weren't so.

"'Sup, Jew?" he asked, twiddling his keys between his fingers.

He couldn't help but notice the isolation. He hadn't parked amongst the other students. How did Kyle know he was there?

His friend's pale face almost look pained as he half-heartedly smiled at him, gently approaching in that graceful way he so frequently had. He envied his beauty most days. There was a strange calm settling in the air around them as snow gently began to fall.

"Eric…" Kyle began, surprising his counterpart with the use of his first name. It was rare he would address him as such, and it commanded his attention.

Cartman adjusted himself accordingly, standing up straight, hands in his pockets as he absent-mindedly decided to drop his arrogance. He had something important he wanted to share, and this may very well have been his last opportunity to belong to him.

"Kyle?" he asked, no malice in his tone what-so-ever. Another rare occurrence.

Kyle stepped closer, an intimacy immediately established between them. There was a warmth to his Jewish friend he'd never experienced arising; it should've frightened him, but with their end in sight, he felt oddly at ease. Besides, no one else was around; did they really have to continue their endless game?

"Look," Kyle began, putting his hand to the back of his head, indicating their was some discomfort about him and whatever he had to say, "I, uh…I want you to come to California with me."

Did his heart skip a beat? Most definitely two. There had been a loss of words as he stood there, jaw dropped and stomach aching.

"Wh…what?" he had stammered, "why the Hell would you want that?" he'd asked, most uncertain as to why he'd reacted in such a way.

Kyle's eyes were warmer than ever as a sympathetic smile flickered on his face.

"Because, dummy," was all he said before leaning in.

Eric remembered the feeling of his stomach dropping, feeling more vulnerable than he'd ever allowed in his young life time. He'd been longing for this moment; an insatiable craving for it within every delusional fantasy. At least, up until then he'd thought it to be so. However, all thoughts were suspended as he felt his soft lips pressed against his. Kyle's kind hands touching his cold, reddened cheeks as he kissed him with affection and confidence. At first, he'd allowed the high of indulgence lift him up, before processing it and wrapping his bundled arms around his alleged enemy, deepening their intimacy.

They remained this way for several seconds, each of them drinking in the feel, smell, taste and humanity the two of them were sharing before they instinctively parted, hazel and green eyes left to waveringly stare.

"I love you, Kyle…" was all he could manage, no longer able to hold back how he really felt.

That warm smile of his greeted him once more before resting his head on Eric's larger chest, enjoying the embrace he had to offer.

"I know."


End file.
